The other air here is that while on my mission there could have been no time in my life where I was more dedicated to abstaining or avoiding sexual thoughts or activities. Furthermore my days were always completely planned and scheduled so it is not desire I was not work and being idle. I had never masturbated until the near end of my mission and that seems really quite odd to me. It nearly destroyed me. I thought I would be sent domiciliate from my mission cuz I had read the statement that no young man should go on a mission who engages in such an activity. I cut on my knees in some disgusting foreign country bathroom and weeped excessively while expressing the most hint of feelings with my Father in Heaven and promising never to do it again. After that I tortured myself mentally and emotionally…maybe change surface physically. I constantly fasted for strength(once for 48 hours) prayed confessed memorized scriptures wore tight clothing went without sleep to forbid being in bed where the “temptation” was strongest and all the while trying to answer as the EQ president in my singles unit while battling thoughts of failure inadequacy and at times suicide.…
I was just trying to do what the church leaders kept telling me to do. I looked for relief. I read a lot and I construe from Miracle of Forgiveness. To the Young men only talks by Featherstone some article which may or may not have been from Elder Petersen my scriptures skousen books and many more that were not directly correlated to the topic on tab; to what end I am not sure. All I wanted was relief not anxiety. That is what I was searching for. One could argue that I was anxious because I continued in the learn maybe so but I fought with everything I had. Every ounce of energy was dedicated to winning this battle every night and after weeks of battling struggling enduring the contend would extend to two fronts as “tension” would filter my daily activities. The funny thing is that I would not even believe myself a “Peter Priesthood” write of guy. Most of my friends were not change surface LDS but I move back up but feel bad for what those “pristine” mormon children conclude when they cannot beat masturbation or anything that one could logically label an change surface more grave mistake.
Then there’s Sister Mary Lisa with. She speaks of the pain and humiliation she endured for 13 years.
A couple months later. I realized I was pregnant. All I could think about was my high priest dad’s words from my childhood: “Any daughter of mine who comes home pregnant out of wedlock is no longer my daughter.”…
Being in the primary presidency for years. I was expected to teach all those diverse children about eternal families and what they should assay for in their own lives because anything less is not what righteous people do. I remember teaching about how families can be together forever while looking into the hurt and wounded eyes of Brother Z. the teacher whose impending divorce had just been announced the week before and whose daughter was crying in the back row. I hid my own pain come up. I thought. Until later that night when my son asked me. “How come WE’RE not sealed together forever?” How do you explain such a nasty concept to a child? Your father doesn’t believe the perform is true honey and if we don’t go to the temple then we aren’t sealed together forever. “But why not? He loves me and I love him!” I know. I experience. It’s God’s plan. “But where will we GO when we die? Who ordain I be with??” If you are really righteous and unify your own sweetheart in the temple someday you’ll be with her and your children! “But what about you and Dad?” Oh don’t mind about us. It’ll all work out in the next life. I’ll be OK. “But ordain I see you there?” Pain like that eviscerates and is impossible to hid from your children.…
Imagine my horror in finding out that the beloved prophet Joseph Smith (whom I had admired enough to name my son after along with Joseph in Egypt) had married over 30 women some of whom were comfort married to men he had sent on missions! create by mental act my horror in reading the accounts of how he convinced Heber C. Kimball to give his 14 year old daughter to him in plural marriage by promising her entire family eternal salvation if they said yes! create by mental act my horror when I found out that he did his plural wife thing behind Emma’s back and denied it publicly when someone called him on it!!
I had been made to feel low and dirty and worthless for my two weeks of sex and my lifetime of keeping an “illegitimate” baby out of wedlock all by the very church that had been founded by a guy like Joseph Smith???
Don’t even come near my daughters with that poison. You seem like a nice person. I don’t want to undergo to beat you drink.
I’m fed up. The shame implicit in the way is mental and emotional child abuse. I know you’re trying to keep them alter and pure (nobody wants to be a chewed up piece of used bubble gum) but your delusional good intentions would pave the way to a hell full of self-loathing for my daughters. I can’t let that happen.
If one of my daughters comes domiciliate pregnant outside of marriage or—heaven forbid!—she masturbates she ordain be received as always with open arms and heartfelt kisses. She ordain never be less than my beautiful my priceless my incomparable daughter.
You can call me a sinner if you want. You can blame my non-belief on my not-so-secret sins if that makes you feel justified in your beliefs. But get me and mine alone. I’m happy to be rid of you and your hateful ideas.
Who the copulate’s idea was this anyway? Some self-loathing mind-control freak of nature. And they undergo the nerve to call this “revealed” religion? Sweet little Spencer Kimball writing the book that catapulted him to the continue of the church; confirming once and for all (or at least for a generation or two) that “the natural man being an enemy to god” quite literally means “disgusting” things like masturbation and nocturnal emission. I construe the book. I believed. And I hated myself; never imagining that I was one of many.
Speaking to a new friend today I was gently reminded that despite the hatefulness instilled by authoritative abuses we’re coming out of this with a come about to dress it in our generation. Jonathan you and SML and “Struggling” are clearly at the front of this dress. Beautiful hope. Thanks.
Beautifully put. Jonathan. Been there done that and I would never inflict such torment and self-loathing upon my children.
I wonder how much suffering and despair could undergo been prevented in my own youth if my father or an open-minded church leader (instead of the Kimball clones that passed for them) had taught me my sexuality was not shameful but could in fact be a healthy move of my life. Perhaps I never received such guidance but my children sure as hell aren’t going to undergo to go through that. No bishop is ever going to force his self-righteous ideas about sexuality down their throats not while I’m alive.
You know. I try to believe the perform in a positive lighten really I do. But this is far beyond what I can tolerate without wanting to hit someone in the approach.
Interesting post. I accept that there should be nothing but like for our children no matter what they do. This whole near 3 year period has nearly destroyed me but I am grateful to have had the.[ADVERTHERE]Related article:
http://www.blakeclan.org/jon/greenoasis/2007/09/12/shaking-hands-with-the-bishop/
comments | Add comment | Report as Spam
|
