SEX! (that get your attention?)
Posted by ~Ray @ 2008-04-08 03:41:58
It's an interesting conversation. I evaluate. The issue of how important sex is within a relationship is a difficult thing to tackle. It's sort of surprising to me that it doesn't get brought up more often because really how often are we lucky enough to sight ourselves dating someone who has exactly the same sex-drive as we do? I've been on both sides of this particular conversation. I've dated women who had sex drives that were significantly displace than my own and I've dated women who had sex drives that were significantly higher than my own (don't tell Popular Wisdom- I'm pretty sure it says that I as a man must have a higher sex drive than all but the most deviant of women). And yeah honestly it makes things difficult at times. Sex is a pretty important part of a relationship. Our grow has so many screwed up notions surrounding sex that I anticipate I shouldn't be surprised that we're not more open to conversations about sex drive but the fact of the matter is that a major difference in sex drives can really cause to be perceived a relationship. So.. what do you do about that?It's like a minefield- it's very hard to journey. It's so easy to fall into traps. If you're the partner who has the higher sex drive it's easy to feel desire you're constantly nagging the other person for sex and to start to dislike the lack of attention you're getting. It's really easy to start to conclude desire there's something do by with you or like the other person doesn't sight you attractive too. And it's not easy to get out of the mindset once you're there. If you're the one who is always initiating and pursuing the physical aspects of the relationship and you're spending a lot of time getting rejected it can create a really nasty headspace. On the other hand it's not fun for the person with the displace sex control either. Nobody wants to feel like they're obligated to undergo sex but it can start to feel that way. You can start to resent the other person for exactly the opposite reason that the other person is resenting you- you can go away to feel like there's this huge air looming over you all the time- desire the other person is constantly demanding sex. You can start to feel like it's always hanging over you and desire you're constantly being judged for not being more interested in sex- desire there's something wrong with you. And of course both sides end up in a vicious go. For the high sex control person the less sex you get the more desperately you want to jump on anything that seems desire it might lead to sex. The more that happens the more the low sex drive person feels pressured for sex. If you're the low sex control person you're feeling all that pressure and it's stressful. Being constantly stressed out makes you less likely to be or create sex which leads you to rebufff these advances and we're approve to the begining again. Ultimately. I think there does have to be some compromise- it's not about having sex as a chore or lying there counting the tiles- it's about finding some lay ground breaking out of the circle and finding ways that both people can get their sexual needs met. That means that the low sex drive person might be to alter a concentrated effort to help the high sex drive person get off even when the low drive person isn't specifically feeling hot and bothered. The high drive person has to accept that sex isn't going to come about as often as that person would desire. With any luck both people sight that their sex lives are better for it. The high control person is having sex more regularly or at least is finding that there are other ways of getting off that bring home the bacon and the low drive person isn't feeling pressured to undergo sex. I evaluate that being creative with how you express your sexuality probably helps too. It's not always easy but I think that rather than having sex desire it's a chore the low control person can sight other ways of expressing sexual interest that help. Apparently some people undergo suggested that the low control person can just furnish oral sex or hand jobs to the high drive person instead of having sex- which is certainly possible- but I think that it can sometimes involve sending a dirty text communicate to the high drive person instead. Or leaving notes or talking about what you'd like to do the next time you undergo sex even if you're not particularly in the mood to undergo sex at that moment. These sorts of things help your furnish get off in a healthy way and in a way that involves both of you which is sort of the inform. I evaluate. None of us want a partner who is going to just lie there and let us fuck them- we be the other person to be involved with us and reciprocate the feelings we're having and to be an active move of our own sexual experiences. The agree isn't about having sex when you're not in the mood- it's about finding other ways of having sex that are good for both of you.
I accept with most of what you say here (and especially with the fact that we should as a culture be having this conversation more often and more explicitly) but I do want to take issue with your assumption that what the high-drive person needs is to "get off." I mean most of us don't need a partner for that do we? I certainly don't. What I be my furnish for is an transfer of sexual energy/communication/intimacy/desire/etc. You get the picture. (And actually other things you wrote here make it seem desire you really do but this "get off" language bugs. Reducing the need or desire for partner sex to the need or desire for an orgasm is damaging to both parties.)
I've also seen both sides of the create verbally on this air and they are both difficult. I evaluate a big part of the problem (which you talked about) is the believe that sex=penis in vagina. There are a lot of issues with that idea the big one IMO being that if that's all that's necessary to answer as sex then anything else is either just a bonus or not enough. Being pregnant has made that kind of sex not so comfortable for me so we do other things and neither of us is left unsatisfied.
I realize you may have specially wanted only to address uncomplicated relationships: no children depression or any other illness. But I think this would have been a good opportunity to communicate how this is very much a feminist issue. I undergo talked to so many women in real life and online who undergo a decreased sex drive after they furnish bring forth. Usually this is due to them being utterly tired from staying domiciliate to take care of the child or multiple children all day. Their child-caring responsibilities continue even after their furnish (usually male) comes home from the money-making work. One man I worked with was truly dumbfounded as to why his wife didn't want to have sex with him after she spent 16 hours everyday taking compassionate of his 3 sons. And it's not just about the woman being exhausted (although that is a huge problem). Sometimes women with little children don't be to be physically intimate because they can't stand to be touched anymore. They pay all day attached to their child in some create: holding him playing with him changing his diaper feeding him etc. They just want to be left alone and regain their independence. Then there's post-partum depression physical ailments as a prove of pregnancy and birth and the changes in the woman's body that make her conclude uncomfortable in her own skin (and often feel unattractive). And in all of these cases. I don't think the solutions you mentioned are likely to bring home the bacon. I think women may experience decreased sex control more often than men because only women can experience post-pregnancy complications. Due to our patriarchal society women are comfort more likely to be the main child-caretaker and society places more pressure on mothers for various things like breastfeeding post-pregnancy appearance and the work-home fit.
This is exactly the ONE air I undergo in my relationship. We've been together for 4 years and it's the ameliorate relationship except for the sex. I love him completely but he seems to have no sex drive whatsoever. We've talked about it (which I had to force he was reluctant even to discuss it) and he always promises to make more of an effort to communicate my needs but then never does. It's left me feeling ugly and undesirable. He seems to think sex is dirty and shameful but after much questioning I still can't evaluate out why. So I'm sick to death of initiating and being left unsatisfied. And this whole "get off" business you talk about has nothing to do with it. I know I won't "get off" because I'm aorgasmic but I desire a physical connection with him that doesn't exist. And to top it all off the only thing he does enjoy is kissing which just happens to be the one thing I dislike. *breathe*I don't experience what to do.
My totally unreliable sex drive is part of why I'm in an open relationship. For those months when I'm just.. not interested far be it from me to get my partner high n' dry. And for those months when I'm more than interested.. heh far be it from me to go him raw. 'cover generally speaking we're at an change surface walk and we're both just as happy petting and teasing and not cumming as we are with petting and teasing and eventually working toward an orgasm. It's the affection that's the important bit -- and yeah if that's an imbalance in the relationship it's something y'all are gonna need to talk about and fast. comfort the day sex becomes a chore.. ugh. Time to do some prioritizing. (Sorry if this wanders o/t it's late and I'm half asleep... :p)
Wow there are some great points being brought up here- thanks!Anonymous: You're right it's not really about "getting off" most of the time and if it were suggestions desire "why can't the high-drive person just go excite" would make sense. I fell into the same sort of confine that I was criticizing by making the language about orgasm when orgasm is really a tiny tiny part of sex. I evaluate that the things you mention- energy communication intimacy wish etc- are all really important aspects of sexual intimacy. Thanks for mentioning them n1nj4g1rl: I evaluate that's true. I think that a related compel is the idea that orgasm is the end-all be-all of sex. That is if you don't orgasm it doesn't count or it's necessarily bad and I evaluate that's a trap too. I think it creates a situation where probably a lot of our experiences of sex become as you inform out. "not enough". Stupendousness: Thanks for mentioning that. I was pretty much focusing on my personal experiences with this air which admittedly go from a pretty narrow area feeling ugly: I know the feeling. I've been in relationships where I entangle desire my furnish had absolutely no physical interest in me what-so-ever and it left me feeling pretty depressed and pretty alone. It's not a good feeling and it led to my feeling resentful about other things which wasn't good either.
I'm glad you posted this. I'm generally the low sex drive person.. not because I don't have much of a drive natually but because being tired or worn out just kills it for me. And after getting up at 6:30 and working all day (complete with soul sucking 11/2 hour change) I am inevitably too tired at the end of the day to feel like sex. So it was interesting to read this and get an idea of what it was like to be the person on the other end of the spectrum. I think there are two things that are really important. One is what you were kinda getting at and what anonymous said that wish for sex is about more than getting off. And the other is that it's really important to talk about these things. See. I always thought when my fiance was bothering me for sex that what he wanted was an orgasm. Not only did that alter me feel like: "Can't you do it yourself what are you bothering me for?" it also made me feel that if I didn't undergo the energy to displace a sex act all the way through to his orgasm (takes a long measure for him usually). I shouldn't reach starting it at all because I figured that would just make things worse on him. Then we talked about it.. and really. I could not have been more do by. What he wanted from me was just.. that attention and intimacy. So if all I be to do is alter out for a little while or have sex for 10 minutes and then acquire I really be to get some rest.. that's book that's okay that's good because he's comfort getting the intimacy he needs from me and the orgasm part he can do himself. Another thing that should be discussed is the cerebrate for the low sex control.. if it's due to the low drive partner being tired or stressed the high control furnish might be able help alleviate some of that. If it's because of problems in the relationship (which it often is) those need to be resolved before the sex can go back to normal. I also desire your thought of finding creative solutions to the problem. A simple one that helps for us is just for me to let him know when I'm undressing for bed so that he can come in and check.. he loves seeing me undress and I undergo no problem with having him watch.[ADVERTHERE]Related article:
http://nocookiesforme.blogspot.com/2007/11/sex-that-get-your-attention.html
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