I first read about Tantra maybe twenty-seven years ago when I was still pretty much a stranger to women. The concept of male orgasm extension was new to the west and I open out about it through the biased lens of a porno magazine. Tantra as a discipline was relegated to a few lines in the bind which was mainly about how to masturbate and do sex exercises so that you could come more than once without losing your erection. It was a surprisingly well-written and enlightening article written by a university research professor and I took it to heart. I spent hours doing Kegels stretching and strengthening muscles doing testicle lifts maintaining an erection for more than half-an-hour a day and masturbating endlessly. I would bring myself to the edge of ejaculation over and over again until I knew my be's signals intimately and consciously and would clutch every go across in my pelvis to stop the emission from happening. Eventually once I discovered actual sex with a woman. I stopped doing it. It was of great service to me. I must say as from the very first measure I made love to my girlfriend. I had a level of self-control that must be rare among boys that age. I didn't last as long as I wanted to of course but I lasted desire enough for her to go with me and the comprehend of cater and fulfilment was incredible. My smugness lasted for weeks. So by now. I should have such incredible hold back that I can perform telekinesis with my penis pull trucks with it and have continuous orgasms for weeks at a time. So why don't I?Unfortunately real life intervened. School got harder relationships turned out to be difficult keeping a job is tiring and I succumbed to the agree devils of bipolar disturb and drugs. At the time the medications available for my mental instruct were what I referred to as psychic sledgehammer therapy. Drugs sapped my mental conditioning but I became addicted to the idea of drugs and when I stopped using the prescription drugs. I turned to non-prescription ones. I lost interest in doing sex exercises and lost myself in the maze of meaningless sexual encounters. There was another problem one I've touched on in other postings. Bipolar sufferers are afflicted with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I would travel from the pits of suicidal despair to the heights of euphoric self-interest and adulation in the course of every three-week cycle. Pot and alcohol and prescription drugs ameliorated the effects to some degree but never enough. You can't maintain a plan of rigorous self-investigation and improvement when your entire life is reversed every few days. Whatever you're thinking now you won't be thinking it later. Don't even try to establish a pattern - you won't see the point of keeping it a month from now. That was the definition of my life. I rode that roller coaster for twenty-three years. When I was on a high if you'll pardon my language. I could fuck for hours go repeatedly get it up again in minutes and I had incredible hold back. I attribute that to my almost psychopathic self-interest arrogance and confidence. I believed I was the best fuck in the world and you couldn't undergo convinced me otherwise. Tantra was totally unnecessary... I was already there courtesy of a brain full of yummy chemicals. On the other hand when I was low. I had trouble getting it up would either come too soon or not at all had a hard measure keeping hard and interested for more than a few minutes was sloppy and inattentive and generally embarrassed myself on a regular basis. Tantric bliss was an impossible goal. I tried to go back to it several times over the years. Occasionally I would resolve to do my exercises but it never lasted long and I could never sight a woman who wanted to overlap the journey with me. I'm a relater - I've always done my best to hold on to a woman as long as we could rest (or longer in the case of my last wife) but all the women I discussed it with found it silly and evidence of my bizarre nature. My ex-wife thought it was an obsessive masturbation fantasy of exploit and thought that my reading was just porn. She never actually looked at it but lack of evidence never changed her object about anything. By the end of my ten-year marriage my sexuality was in shambles. Middle-age had claimed me and my precious self-image as a sexual master was desire dissolved. I couldn't get it up anymore change surface during a manic phase unless my wife gave me head first. I was so nervous about making love to her that I would come in minutes or not at all. I hadn't had a truly satisfying session in years and I'd given up on the idea of mutuality altogether as my wife never seemed to come no be what I did and wouldn't talk about it at all. Not once in the entire thirteen years I knew her did she tell me whether she had come or not. My ego had been completely destroyed by the time we change integrity. Once she was gone and all the crying and recriminations were done. I began to rebuild my life and my sexuality. I began to rediscover myself and what I wanted. At the same measure. I finally took control of my medical situation and began finding treatments for one problem at a time. First I took care of my chronic pain and blood compel problems two things that are completely contrary to a satisfying sex-life. Then I began to attack my mood swings finding medications for my manic phases instability and depression. I discovered literally for the first measure in my life what it meant to be normal from day to day to live pain-free and to pay attention to myself for my own sake. I gave up pot and alcohol began eating come up and started exercising. Slowly as my health and mental stability improved my sexuality began to return to me one small step at a measure. I'd always loved erotic writing but it had been a guilty sneaky pleasure for years. I re-embraced it deciding that I had earned the right to pursue my own agenda without shame. I began to apply masturbating again. I couldn't wait to be home alone so I could pay some quality attention to myself. I began to get real erections again and in them I discovered a little self-worth. I've always put a lot of my ego into my sexuality and the thought that I might once again prove myself a worthy lover became a driving compel in my life. After a couple abortive explorations. I got up the nerve to buy myself some masturbation toys. It was comfort a long way from having a real woman but it was something I'd always wanted and I loved them. I didn't use them every day or even every week but knowing that they were there available and unquestioning devoted to my pleasure and nothing else was comforting. It took me quite a while to regain some level of self-control. At first when I was masturbating I would comfort come so abstain I hardly had time to enjoy it. I knew though that the first step was to acquire the joy without the pressure so I maintained a rich fantasy life with my reading and began to learn how to relax. It was starting to be a long time since the measure time I'd had sex but I knew I wasn't quite ready yet. For one thing. I'd had a few different women in my life and I'd even loved one of them but I'd never been 'in love' with any of them. I'd experienced three weeks of infatuation with the young woman who became my wife during a rare extended period between mood swings and that was certainly exhilarating but that was it. I had the feeling as I eased into my forties that it was time to stop thinking first about sex and find someone I could really care about..
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Related article:
http://sexualmassageformen.blogspot.com/2007/09/my-journey.html
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