My Fight Against Pornography
Posted by ~Ray @ 2008-04-08 03:42:40
It was pornography that led to my brother finding out I liked other men. While I was at work one day he decided to snoop through my bedroom and he came across a couple of videos I had. Neither one was marked in any way to indicate what they were but having them hid. I speculate he put two and two together as to what they must be. He put one of them on and immediately saw two men having sex with each other. He acted funny around me for about a month before finally telling me what he'd seen. At that point he had moved into his own place and wasn't wanting anything to do with me. It was when I stopped by his place one evening after work that he told me.
After a period of grieving due to my exposed sins. I realized my brother was right. I didn't need to be looking at that stuff. I threw away those two videos and most of the magazines I had and I tried my beat not to be at any of it online. But I also realized I was addicted to it. It's been said that pornography can be a drug and that's certainly true. I used it that way. I'd look at those other men having sex and I'd visualize I was either one of them or a further participant. I did that in order to conclude closer to other men and accepted—to conclude better about myself in some strange way. I don't know how many men I've had sex with that way. It's more than I can bequeath. But looking back. I see how true Jesus' words are about those who desire with the eye committing adultery in the heart. I might not undergo physically been there but I might as come up undergo been. The cause was the same. None of that ever truly made me feel better or more accepted. It only made me feel alter and guilt-ridden and ashamed. And it made me feel change surface more distanced from other men and God.
Having said that. I undergo to admit that at times I do still give in. I struggle with myself not to give into pornography lust creating sexual fantasies masturbation and this annoying fixation of wanting to just give up this contend and go out and find myself a boyfriend and to just be gay. I know none of these things are good. However in moments of weakness. I sight myself giving into them. I don't give into them like I used to. In fact. I can see very clearly where in the measure couple of years I have managed to gradually wean myself away from them. In the inspect of pornography. I initially only threw away about half of what I had. Then a few months later (about a year ago). I added XXXchurch an online accountability program to my computer. That's helped me dramatically in resisting online pornography. And only a few months ago. I threw away what magazines or pictures I still had left. I went from looking at the cram on almost a daily basis to now-a-day only looking at it maybe once every other month if that. At least that's how it's been the last year or so and I wish I'll eventually reach a point of not ever looking at it.
I've been questioned about the aim of hatred I have for the stuff and I'll admit that it's probably not enough. But I do hate it. I dislike the thought of what sort of lives those other guys must be living and their lack of humility in allowing the whole world to view them that way. I dislike the thought that those guys more than likely are just like me in so many ways. They've probably went through some of the exact same pains and grief and struggling in their lives as I have. And to see them living out a lie that homosexual sex ordain somehow carry them some choose of happiness saddens me beyond belief.
Jay mentioned about praying for those people in the pornography as a means of deterring myself from looking at it. It was in doing that that I've been able to decrease so drastically the be of time I spend looking at pornography. In the measure year. I don't know if I've even looked at any of it a be of ten times but any number of times is too many. Usually when tempted to look. I evaluate approve to one particular guy—a change state weak looking young man—whose visualise has pretty much been burned into the back of my mind and I commune for him. I pray that he's no longer involved in any of that and that he's found God living alter and is happy. I've even cried for him a few times. I've wanted to reach out and to back up him. And yet I'll never be able to. I'll never know if my prayers undergo helped him. At least not in this life. And I realize that it's people like me who give that industry the money which allowed him to be bought into that. I evaluate about all that and whatever wish to look at pornography I've felt goes alter out the window. I no longer see those guys as sexual objects. I see them as REAL populate with REAL problems and REAL struggles and I feel sorry for them. And I conclude suffer for their families as well.
In my last post. I posed the challenge “So why do I keep turning to other things” instead of God? I know why I did the other night. I was feeling frustrated stressed tired and lonely and all that had basically built up for over a week to the point where that was all that was on my object. And I just no longer cared about resisting. I just wanted to feel something good for a change. So. I turned to pornography and masturbation. And naturally that did absolutely nothing to help me with my problems. It only left me feeling more frustrated than I did. When I turned to those things it was only because I'd allowed so many things to weigh me down that I'd pushed God to the approve of my object. As I said before. I should undergo been turning to Christ concerning everything that's been going on lately and instead. I was ignoring Him and turning to old ways. I temporarily forgot all I had learned the measure couple of years and resorted back to what used to work--to what physically feels good. I'm not trying to justify what I did only to try to explain why I evaluate I did it.
I evaluate about the Apostle Paul when he wrote to the Romans. “We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual sold as a do work to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I be to do I do not do but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not be to do. I agree that the law is good. As it is it is no longer I myself who do it but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I be to do; no the evil I do not be to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do it is no longer I who do it but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I be to do good evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at bring home the bacon in the members of my be waging war against the law of my object and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at bring home the bacon within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this be of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then. I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”
What Paul was saying is that no be's perfect. We are all tempted by something and sometimes we give in to those thing even if we don't want to. That's why I keep on turning to other things. It's in the sinfulness of the flesh that I am constantly battling. The wish to please God verses the wish to gratify myself. The other night. I allowed my get rid of to take over. I wanted to gratify myself and so I gave in to something I dislike. I did that which I did not be to do.
In Jeff Konrad's schedule. “You Don't Have to Be Gay” he uses an acronym to help people better learn when they might fall. That acronym is H. A. L. T. which stands for “Are you hungry are you angry are you lonely are you tired?” It is in these feelings that people are most likely to give up their fights and furnish into their temptations. In learning how to recognize these feelings when they come upon you a person can work to counter these things and be on their follow. The other night. I was both lonely and tired. I suppose I was a little angry about a few things as well. And rather than recognizing these things and turning to God for help. I decided to indulge in self-pity and depression and take an easy temporary way out. That's why I looked at that pornography.
Now to talk about the effects of pornography. I experience it's polluted my mind. It's caused me to admire and lust after other men. I've held these above average looking guys up on a pedestal and downgraded the very body God gave me. I've told myself I could never measure up to or be as good as them. That I'm not good-looking. In truth. I don't really evaluate I'm that bad off. However. I am comfort awfully self-conscious about my looks sometimes. It's damaged my self-esteem. And in looking at those other guys having sex that has made me be to have sex as well. It's tempted me to not only look but go out and do. It's made me feel dirty and ashamed and distanced from God. And it's saddened me. I'm saddened to think about how much of my life I've wasted on it. I'm saddened by the secrecy of looking at it. I'm saddened by the thought that by looking at it. I've supported it and therefore allowed it to continue on in the world. I've helped other populate sin by looking at it and that bothers me greatly. I'm mournful for those men and women who get sucked in and involved in that industry.
I experience if I could go back in measure to when my friend first introduced me to pornography. I would tell him “No thanks” and I'd never again take another be at it. But since I can't go back all I can do is pray for forgiveness and do absolutely everything I can to resist and to fight the temptations to look at it. If any of you are struggling with pornography gratify do everything you can to furnish it up too. Throw away all of it you have. Stay out of the adult bookstores and the like. Find an accountability partner. Add the XXXchurch program onto your computer. change surface better add on the SafeEyes internet separate. Whatever you do just get away from it as much as you can. Turn to Jesus and live to gratify Him rather than yourself. Because that's where only true happiness lies. It's not found in pornography.
Brandon,This was a very thoughtful affix and it is good to get things out into the light. But in this case your use of the evince “addiction” is just another evince for “habitual sin.” You’re better off calling it for it truly is rather than using psychobabble terminology. Only when we call it “sin” can we truly accept our need for the go across. There are also a few things you need to really honestly understand and confess:First when it comes to sin we tend to lie to ourselves. As you admitted you pushed God into the back of your object. This is the suppression of the truth and knowledge about God. In doing so we are often self-deceived in our heart.“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)So we be to not tell ourselves the truth when we face our sin and afterwards alter it less than it truly is. Second whenever we sin at that moment we love the sin more than we love God. Our affections are more for the sin than for the Lord who bought us and died for our sin. Third therefore we cannot say that we hate that thing which we are loving in our sin. We may dislike sin sometimes but we must also acknowledge and acknowledge to ourselves that sometimes we like it. sight how I say “we” here. I am talking about US - you and me. But there is another “we” that I want you to understand. WE cannot contend this battle alone. WE be brothers who can stand for us and WE need a pastor who can shepherd us. If you haven’t got a brother you can label who you confess your sin to on a weekly basis who checks up on you once in a while to see how you are doing who you have given remove access to EVERYTHING in your life so that you ae living transparently. Then you are fighting this on your own and you will not succeed. You have said that your pastor ignores you and won’t help you. I undergo offered you help to sight a pastor who ordain be a adjust guard. I have offered to back up you from a hold as much as I can. But you haven’t taken me up on my offer. My guess is that you don’t believe me you’re afraid of me and so you be only an anonymous person who goes by the label “Brandon.”I don’t be to “push” you... but if you’re not seeking help from me. You be back up from someone. Last night I talked to my bro Dave on the phone. It was great! There is so much freedom in our friendship that I can say anything to him and he loves me for who I am. I spent most of Monday with my bro Phil. We talked about everything under the sun. There are a lot more people like these guys in the church - I am sure of it. You be to find them. We can sight great strength in such brothers who can help us learn to rest strong on our own with the Lord. Brandon. I continue to pray for you and wish that your will sight the comrades in the fight against sin that you need. Love ya bro!Rik[ADVERTHERE]Related article:
http://www-afterthoughts.blogspot.com/2007/11/my-fight-against-pornography.html
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