]]> hard because to him.. no time had passed at all. He had slept.. and woken it was no different to him than the sleep of a single night. At least mentally it wasn't. He wrestled with reality. It seemed so strange. Physically there were differences and problems. He had his silver topped cane after the agonizing trial of learning to walk again. His muscles had atrophied stiffened and weakened despite all the physical therapy he had and his balance wasn't so good. Still he wasn't in as bad shape as he could have been the nursing home he'd been in had been a good one the staff at the center took care of him did what therapy they could. So his muscles weren't as wasted as they might have been if he'd been anywhere else. But it still felt like it had only been days since he and Sara were engaged ready to marry on the brink of a commitment that would last forever. Nothing but potential nothing but the positive. Crazy happy. Now that was gone. Well not gone but shoved down hard away out of sight. Not to be talked about. And not to be remembered when he had the strength to prevent it. Walter Bannerman the local Sheriff. And wasn't that something. She'd done well. In fact John in his coma had been instrumental in their meeting. Sara and Walt her future husband met while Sara was visiting John. Pregnant and grieving. Walt had been there for her. John felt betrayed by that in an oddly twisted way used badly by the world. Being an inadvertent matchmaker for Sara and Walt as he lay unaware unable to protest to call out and beg her not to leave him. Betrayed not so much by Sara but by the fickle fates that let it happen. Walt knows that Sara still loves John. He knows it deep down; John will always be her first love her longest love a man she still loves. He'd been there from her earliest childhood. Their souls had joined into one been that way for the longest time. In a way they were just as joined today as back then. Walt couldn't have that it was still John's. But nor could John have what was Walt's. Meeting JJ just about breaks John's heart. His son looks like him even more so than he did in the vision. Looks like all the pictures his mother took of John as a child. The only difference one easy to overlook is his eyes. JJ's eyes have more of Sara in them than John. Their expression is purely JJ's own; he is getting old enough now to be strongly individual. And John is glad of it. But everything else physical about the boy is pure Johnny. JJ is half his. Half of the reason JJ is here on Earth breathing laughing playing and growing up is locked inside John's every cell. His DNA combined with Sara's made this perfectly beautiful child. And John can't even hug him. Reach out and hold him. Because JJ doesn't know. And John can't tell him. And having strangers hug you when you are a kid is just weird. Scary. So what would he give to go back? Everything. He'd give up the house the visions the cane and the money.. no.. he wouldn't give up everything. He sighed. Funny John he thought. Really funny. Face it. He wouldn't give up his son being here the son who didn't know him. All John Smith had lost was worth it to know he had this child formed of his flesh and Sara's. Worth every loss he'd suffered every moment he did without. Far from it. John liked Walt. After the first erotic vision of Sara and Walt together he thought he'd learn to hate him but it didn't happen like that. He wanted to touch Walt. Wanted it because it was the only way to get close to her that way the way he once had her. In his arms skin to skin and closer than that. Inside each other. Now he could get that only one way. Touching Walt. Sara didn't have visions of her husband and sex when she touched Johnny. John didn't let himself ask why didn't let himself grow false hope because of it. The visions another horrible benefit of his six-year coma kept him from wanting to touch many people. He had once been an affectionate man who bestowed a warm hug to his friends an encouraging pat to his students and shook hands with everyone and all of that. Now he couldn't deal with the consequences of touch. Even as he withered inside from the lack of touch. Touching Sara he hugged her braced himself and did it because he couldn't not touch her. It would be too much like cutting off his own hand to be around her and keep an artificial distance between them. But he couldn't have what he wanted from her not all of it. So he always had to be on his guard to be sure he didn't over step. She made it his responsibility not her own. It was very Sara to do that. To trust him even as he was in agony wanting her wanting it all to be the way it had been. Bruce was great. Bruce he could touch. Bruce.. for some reason visions rarely were kicked up and rarely kicked him in the head when he touched Bruce. It was one reason he ended up in bed with the other man. Not for sex but just to be close. Bruce understood. He dealt with disabled people all the time. People who no one wanted to touch or felt uncomfortable touching. Bruce had none of the usual barriers. Not that Bruce was sleeping with any of his patients only John who by now was far more of a friend than a patient. Bruce was.. a gift from god. John held on to him with grateful hands. John looked forward to those times when Bruce would come to the door bearing his overnight bag if he was going to stay. All John had to do was look down to know. Bruce was his best friend. They'd hit it off right away. Bruce's hands familiar even before John was aware of them in a conscious way his body knew their touch. Bruce had taken care of him for several of the years he'd spent in a coma. Bruce was one big reason he could walk today. Bruce who never gave up on him not then and not now. No one knew of course. Bruce told no one making it clear it was no one's business but his and Johnny's. Coming right out and saying it when John was in an agony of pain and feeling the failure of his life weighing on him after the first few times they slept together. John in Bruce's sheltering friendly arms trying to find some way to ask Bruce not to tell. To keep it a secret. Bruce being Bruce understood. And John had to admit as messed up as his life was he was truly blessed to have both JJ and Bruce. Sara the love he'd lost was not the most important person in his life suddenly. In a distant way. JJ was. In a close up every day way Bruce was. Sara represented longing. Unrequited desire. Emotional pain. Walt.... Walt was everything he wanted to be. At least what he wanted to be now. His past.. well his past was just that. In the past. No. Sara was no longer the most important person in his life. In fact when he thought about it she was probably the fourth on his new list. Behind JJ. Bruce and even Walt. Walt who he wanted to touch whose life he snuck into without the other man suspecting how far. John and Sara talked daily. Sometimes more than once. They saw each other. She was a good friend and from her view point he was her best friend. He couldn't say that about her anymore but he liked hearing her say it to him. He cared about and loved her. But she wasn't the one who got him through the day. He found it to hard to cope with touching others and getting through the visions that blindsided him of them recalling strangers before he tried to have sex. He considered trying a call girl for about 30 seconds before he realized what kinds of horrific visions touching one of those unhappy women would gift him with. He tried to date but the women.. well the two he'd tried to date had left thinking he was crazy when he told them about his visions. So. Walt was what he had. Sex was boiled down to remembering the visions he got from touching the sheriff and re-conjuring them at a later time when he was alone and had the privacy to masturbate. If Walt suspected he'd probably kill him. Or at least beat him bloody. Walt was far more macho than John in a nice-guy sort of way. But Walt had a past too one that wasn't as nice as his life today. In a strange way John's mind started to put Walt into a whole new category. A nice shiny new box that John did everything in his power not to look to closely at. Best not to analyze it best not to read that particular label. John Smith wasn't a fool he looked the other way found something else to keep him busy when he started to get maudlin and analytical. It was that or give up his pathetic sex life all together. Of course there was Bruce. But Bruce was very straight he just wasn't afraid of touching other men of sharing a bed with them. He wasn't interested in sex with John or any other man he'd met in his life. Hand jobs or blow jobs were not on Bruce's list of things to experience with other men. He wasn't even curious; his brain and body didn't go there. John knew because his visions had showed him. They had also showed him that Bruce liked sleeping with John in a companionable way. Bruce liked the closeness as much as John did. John counted himself damn lucky and took care not to cross the boundaries that were left. John missed kissing. He really missed it. He missed it enough that he thought about kissing everyone at one time or another. He thought about kissing Sara of course kissing her like a lover not merely on the cheek like a sister. He knew he couldn't. Knew it would be a disaster. Would she have an affair with him? Probably but she would feel guilty and he would too. He would feel like he was stealing soiling something that was good and clean and pure. Which was strange because John wasn't all that straight-laced. He didn't condemn out of hand men or women who were weak enough; needy enough to reach out to others no matter how inappropriate the choice; men or women who'd had affairs. He had never had to look at himself in that context before. He had always had Sara and always knew that he would never need more than her in his love life in his bed. Everything had always stemmed from her. John got them all to a hospital fast. Trying not to scare Sara or JJ he didn't want them to be as frightened as he was. Walt well he didn't really think about Walt for a while the need to touch him was gone. It seemed to help him not to touch Walt. For a while until all the tests came back. Until the diagnosis crashed down on him on all of them. Then he had to touch Walt again. He had to; once again the only thing keeping John Smith sane was the man who had everything he wanted and was about to lose it all. Sara came to him crying; JJ had leukemia. John held her cried with her. Knew he couldn't cope with the idea of losing JJ. Walt's son. Sara's son. His son. The doctors were trying medications but they had said the words bone marrow more than once. Of course John got tested. Everyone in town did or nearly everyone. There were whispers of course; talk of JJ's resemblance to John but now John didn't care. If his bone marrow could save JJ the doctors could take it all every drop they could suck him dry. Walt was the one who approached him a few months later when it became clear that no one was a good match to JJ. JJ was white like most of the donors but even so no match. Ethnicity's had a big effect on compatibility. Asians were more likely to find an Asian donor who was compatible. Jews more likely to match with Jews and so on. The vast majority of donors were white. And yet. JJ wasn't a lucky boy. Confessions. John wasn't interested in confessions now. He wanted JJ well. Whatever he had to do to see that through he would do. Yelling at Walt wasn't going to help. Nor was more information. John raised his hand and covered the other man's mouth held on leaned against him refusing to look into the pained eyes as long as he could. But eventually he had to meet Walt's eyes. It was almost as if it had nothing to do with Sara at all. It didn't. John was alone with a cup. Behind a locked door with a stack of magazines he couldn't touch. A chair he couldn't sit in. To do either brought visions of other men men who were seeking to have children more and more of them flooding in on John the failures and the fewer successes. He just couldn't. Not here. His dick stayed limp the cup stayed empty. Walt was waiting in the room outside. John couldn't drive here. He couldn't drive at all. He could have taken a cab. But Walt had offered. John just... He sighed. He walked to the door touched it. There was no one but Walt waiting outside. He opened the door. Walt's head snapped up and he saw John then he got to his feet as if he was going to go find the nurse. John shook his head violently then urgently beckoned the other man. Walt bless him never flinched after that. He compressed his mouth into a flat line but he didn't say no. He took the jacket off and unbuttoned his shirt unzipped his pants. "How much do you need?" He asked. A father sacrificing for his son doing what he had to. John hated himself. But he was doing this for JJ too. And he just couldn't... no one else not Bruce not Sara.. not even the lovely Dana. Only Walt strangely was close enough for him to ask this. He wasn't hard neither of them were. Until John touched Walt touched his bare skin. Until then.... Visions rode him. Hot visions. Visions of more than Sara and Walt visions of Walt's other lovers past lovers and one.. one who wasn't past. One who he'd turned to far too recently for solace when Sara and he split. Dana. John tried not to see not to understand to think of it as a fantasy not truth. His fingers curled in the hair at the nape of Walt's neck. John was floored. Three more children if they all took if all the women became pregnant. He was dizzy. Walt grabbed him again. Held him. "She didn't tell you. I thought she wouldn't. She should have." John trembled. Clung to Walt rested his head on the other man's shoulder concentrated on breathing. What were the odds there was no way.. he was going to be a father again. Would he ever have a child of his own the way every other man did? Would it ever be simple? A man a woman loving sex and a child?

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http://neichan22.livejournal.com/978.html ]]> ]]> hard because to him.. no time had passed at all. He had slept.. and woken it was no different to him than the sleep of a single night. At least mentally it wasn't. He wrestled with reality. It seemed so strange. Physically there were differences and problems. He had his silver topped cane after the agonizing trial of learning to walk again. His muscles had atrophied stiffened and weakened despite all the physical therapy he had and his balance wasn't so good. Still he wasn't in as bad shape as he could have been the nursing home he'd been in had been a good one the staff at the center took care of him did what therapy they could. So his muscles weren't as wasted as they might have been if he'd been anywhere else. But it still felt like it had only been days since he and Sara were engaged ready to marry on the brink of a commitment that would last forever. Nothing but potential nothing but the positive. Crazy happy. Now that was gone. Well not gone but shoved down hard away out of sight. Not to be talked about. And not to be remembered when he had the strength to prevent it. Walter Bannerman the local Sheriff. And wasn't that something. She'd done well. In fact John in his coma had been instrumental in their meeting. Sara and Walt her future husband met while Sara was visiting John. Pregnant and grieving. Walt had been there for her. John felt betrayed by that in an oddly twisted way used badly by the world. Being an inadvertent matchmaker for Sara and Walt as he lay unaware unable to protest to call out and beg her not to leave him. Betrayed not so much by Sara but by the fickle fates that let it happen. Walt knows that Sara still loves John. He knows it deep down; John will always be her first love her longest love a man she still loves. He'd been there from her earliest childhood. Their souls had joined into one been that way for the longest time. In a way they were just as joined today as back then. Walt couldn't have that it was still John's. But nor could John have what was Walt's. Meeting JJ just about breaks John's heart. His son looks like him even more so than he did in the vision. Looks like all the pictures his mother took of John as a child. The only difference one easy to overlook is his eyes. JJ's eyes have more of Sara in them than John. Their expression is purely JJ's own; he is getting old enough now to be strongly individual. And John is glad of it. But everything else physical about the boy is pure Johnny. JJ is half his. Half of the reason JJ is here on Earth breathing laughing playing and growing up is locked inside John's every cell. His DNA combined with Sara's made this perfectly beautiful child. And John can't even hug him. Reach out and hold him. Because JJ doesn't know. And John can't tell him. And having strangers hug you when you are a kid is just weird. Scary. So what would he give to go back? Everything. He'd give up the house the visions the cane and the money.. no.. he wouldn't give up everything. He sighed. Funny John he thought. Really funny. Face it. He wouldn't give up his son being here the son who didn't know him. All John Smith had lost was worth it to know he had this child formed of his flesh and Sara's. Worth every loss he'd suffered every moment he did without. Far from it. John liked Walt. After the first erotic vision of Sara and Walt together he thought he'd learn to hate him but it didn't happen like that. He wanted to touch Walt. Wanted it because it was the only way to get close to her that way the way he once had her. In his arms skin to skin and closer than that. Inside each other. Now he could get that only one way. Touching Walt. Sara didn't have visions of her husband and sex when she touched Johnny. John didn't let himself ask why didn't let himself grow false hope because of it. The visions another horrible benefit of his six-year coma kept him from wanting to touch many people. He had once been an affectionate man who bestowed a warm hug to his friends an encouraging pat to his students and shook hands with everyone and all of that. Now he couldn't deal with the consequences of touch. Even as he withered inside from the lack of touch. Touching Sara he hugged her braced himself and did it because he couldn't not touch her. It would be too much like cutting off his own hand to be around her and keep an artificial distance between them. But he couldn't have what he wanted from her not all of it. So he always had to be on his guard to be sure he didn't over step. She made it his responsibility not her own. It was very Sara to do that. To trust him even as he was in agony wanting her wanting it all to be the way it had been. Bruce was great. Bruce he could touch. Bruce.. for some reason visions rarely were kicked up and rarely kicked him in the head when he touched Bruce. It was one reason he ended up in bed with the other man. Not for sex but just to be close. Bruce understood. He dealt with disabled people all the time. People who no one wanted to touch or felt uncomfortable touching. Bruce had none of the usual barriers. Not that Bruce was sleeping with any of his patients only John who by now was far more of a friend than a patient. Bruce was.. a gift from god. John held on to him with grateful hands. John looked forward to those times when Bruce would come to the door bearing his overnight bag if he was going to stay. All John had to do was look down to know. Bruce was his best friend. They'd hit it off right away. Bruce's hands familiar even before John was aware of them in a conscious way his body knew their touch. Bruce had taken care of him for several of the years he'd spent in a coma. Bruce was one big reason he could walk today. Bruce who never gave up on him not then and not now. No one knew of course. Bruce told no one making it clear it was no one's business but his and Johnny's. Coming right out and saying it when John was in an agony of pain and feeling the failure of his life weighing on him after the first few times they slept together. John in Bruce's sheltering friendly arms trying to find some way to ask Bruce not to tell. To keep it a secret. Bruce being Bruce understood. And John had to admit as messed up as his life was he was truly blessed to have both JJ and Bruce. Sara the love he'd lost was not the most important person in his life suddenly. In a distant way. JJ was. In a close up every day way Bruce was. Sara represented longing. Unrequited desire. Emotional pain. Walt.... Walt was everything he wanted to be. At least what he wanted to be now. His past.. well his past was just that. In the past. No. Sara was no longer the most important person in his life. In fact when he thought about it she was probably the fourth on his new list. Behind JJ. Bruce and even Walt. Walt who he wanted to touch whose life he snuck into without the other man suspecting how far. John and Sara talked daily. Sometimes more than once. They saw each other. She was a good friend and from her view point he was her best friend. He couldn't say that about her anymore but he liked hearing her say it to him. He cared about and loved her. But she wasn't the one who got him through the day. He found it to hard to cope with touching others and getting through the visions that blindsided him of them recalling strangers before he tried to have sex. He considered trying a call girl for about 30 seconds before he realized what kinds of horrific visions touching one of those unhappy women would gift him with. He tried to date but the women.. well the two he'd tried to date had left thinking he was crazy when he told them about his visions. So. Walt was what he had. Sex was boiled down to remembering the visions he got from touching the sheriff and re-conjuring them at a later time when he was alone and had the privacy to masturbate. If Walt suspected he'd probably kill him. Or at least beat him bloody. Walt was far more macho than John in a nice-guy sort of way. But Walt had a past too one that wasn't as nice as his life today. In a strange way John's mind started to put Walt into a whole new category. A nice shiny new box that John did everything in his power not to look to closely at. Best not to analyze it best not to read that particular label. John Smith wasn't a fool he looked the other way found something else to keep him busy when he started to get maudlin and analytical. It was that or give up his pathetic sex life all together. Of course there was Bruce. But Bruce was very straight he just wasn't afraid of touching other men of sharing a bed with them. He wasn't interested in sex with John or any other man he'd met in his life. Hand jobs or blow jobs were not on Bruce's list of things to experience with other men. He wasn't even curious; his brain and body didn't go there. John knew because his visions had showed him. They had also showed him that Bruce liked sleeping with John in a companionable way. Bruce liked the closeness as much as John did. John counted himself damn lucky and took care not to cross the boundaries that were left. John missed kissing. He really missed it. He missed it enough that he thought about kissing everyone at one time or another. He thought about kissing Sara of course kissing her like a lover not merely on the cheek like a sister. He knew he couldn't. Knew it would be a disaster. Would she have an affair with him? Probably but she would feel guilty and he would too. He would feel like he was stealing soiling something that was good and clean and pure. Which was strange because John wasn't all that straight-laced. He didn't condemn out of hand men or women who were weak enough; needy enough to reach out to others no matter how inappropriate the choice; men or women who'd had affairs. He had never had to look at himself in that context before. He had always had Sara and always knew that he would never need more than her in his love life in his bed. Everything had always stemmed from her. John got them all to a hospital fast. Trying not to scare Sara or JJ he didn't want them to be as frightened as he was. Walt well he didn't really think about Walt for a while the need to touch him was gone. It seemed to help him not to touch Walt. For a while until all the tests came back. Until the diagnosis crashed down on him on all of them. Then he had to touch Walt again. He had to; once again the only thing keeping John Smith sane was the man who had everything he wanted and was about to lose it all. Sara came to him crying; JJ had leukemia. John held her cried with her. Knew he couldn't cope with the idea of losing JJ. Walt's son. Sara's son. His son. The doctors were trying medications but they had said the words bone marrow more than once. Of course John got tested. Everyone in town did or nearly everyone. There were whispers of course; talk of JJ's resemblance to John but now John didn't care. If his bone marrow could save JJ the doctors could take it all every drop they could suck him dry. Walt was the one who approached him a few months later when it became clear that no one was a good match to JJ. JJ was white like most of the donors but even so no match. Ethnicity's had a big effect on compatibility. Asians were more likely to find an Asian donor who was compatible. Jews more likely to match with Jews and so on. The vast majority of donors were white. And yet. JJ wasn't a lucky boy. Confessions. John wasn't interested in confessions now. He wanted JJ well. Whatever he had to do to see that through he would do. Yelling at Walt wasn't going to help. Nor was more information. John raised his hand and covered the other man's mouth held on leaned against him refusing to look into the pained eyes as long as he could. But eventually he had to meet Walt's eyes. It was almost as if it had nothing to do with Sara at all. It didn't. John was alone with a cup. Behind a locked door with a stack of magazines he couldn't touch. A chair he couldn't sit in. To do either brought visions of other men men who were seeking to have children more and more of them flooding in on John the failures and the fewer successes. He just couldn't. Not here. His dick stayed limp the cup stayed empty. Walt was waiting in the room outside. John couldn't drive here. He couldn't drive at all. He could have taken a cab. But Walt had offered. John just... He sighed. He walked to the door touched it. There was no one but Walt waiting outside. He opened the door. Walt's head snapped up and he saw John then he got to his feet as if he was going to go find the nurse. John shook his head violently then urgently beckoned the other man. Walt bless him never flinched after that. He compressed his mouth into a flat line but he didn't say no. He took the jacket off and unbuttoned his shirt unzipped his pants. "How much do you need?" He asked. A father sacrificing for his son doing what he had to. John hated himself. But he was doing this for JJ too. And he just couldn't... no one else not Bruce not Sara.. not even the lovely Dana. Only Walt strangely was close enough for him to ask this. He wasn't hard neither of them were. Until John touched Walt touched his bare skin. Until then.... Visions rode him. Hot visions. Visions of more than Sara and Walt visions of Walt's other lovers past lovers and one.. one who wasn't past. One who he'd turned to far too recently for solace when Sara and he split. Dana. John tried not to see not to understand to think of it as a fantasy not truth. His fingers curled in the hair at the nape of Walt's neck. John was floored. Three more children if they all took if all the women became pregnant. He was dizzy. Walt grabbed him again. Held him. "She didn't tell you. I thought she wouldn't. She should have." John trembled. Clung to Walt rested his head on the other man's shoulder concentrated on breathing. What were the odds there was no way.. he was going to be a father again. Would he ever have a child of his own the way every other man did? Would it ever be simple? A man a woman loving sex and a child?

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